I know I shouldn't worry...but I do anyway...

I have tons of thoughts going on in my head lately. And since blogging is pretty much like "writing" in a diary to me, I am going to lay them all out there right now.

1. I am getting very used to having two children. Strangely, I feel like I have always had two. It's weird, but true: after you have a children, you can't imagine life without them, and it feels like they have always been there. Things are a little more chaotic with two rather than one, but I feel like I am balancing everything pretty well now. However, I will admit that I have yet to go to a store with both kids by myself. Matt or someone else is always with me. It's not that I don't think I can't "handle" two, it's the fact that they both would have to ride in the cart, and then where would I put the merchandise?? Exactly.

2. Cohen might have CF. This is terrifying for me. I know that it's something we know about and are used to because of Emberlynn, but it really doesn't make it any easier. If Cohen has it, I don't think I'll ever be able to completely forgive myself for deliberately bringing another child into the world knowing that he could end up with it, too. I know we did not purposely give it to Emberlynn, but we knew after having her that every child we have has a 25% chance of having the disease. At this point, we know from one of the blood tests that Cohen is a carrier of CF (one gene was identified) , but it will be a few more weeks before we know if he has the other gene, which means he has CF. I'm trying to prepare myself. When I was pregnant with him, I told myself that if he ended up with CF I could emotionally handle it, but now that he is here and I look at him and want to protect him from everything, I really don't think I can take it. I will never forget the day Emberlynn was diagnosed and how I cried myself to sleep that night, wishing there was some way I could take the disease from her and let it be my burden, not hers. I don't want that for my son, either.

I'll end on a positive note: I have two incredible, amazing, wonderful, beautiful children, and I would not trade being their mother for anything in the world, no matter what.