My Biggest Worries

This weekend, my husband and I are embarking on a weekend getaway for the first time since we have been married (and, hence, for the first time since we have had kids). We have been married for 4 1/2 years, so we felt like it was long overdue for some couple time sans kiddos. The kids have each spent a single night away from home less than an handful of times; I have spent two days away from Emberlynn on only two occasions (once when I gave birth to Cohen and once when Cohen was hospitalized for CF-related reasons).

We have talked about going on vacations and getaways by ourselves, but we have never actually gotten around to doing it. And I'll confess, it's mostly my own fault that it hasn't happened before. I'm a worrier and a bit uptight, so when it comes to my kids, those qualities are only magnified. If my kids were "normal" kids with no health concerns or special needs (i.e. if they didn't have CF), I would probably be more comfortable leaving them behind and would have done it long before now, I'm sure. But the reality is they aren't just normal kids with basic needs. They require tons of extra stuff that, after typing out all the kids' "instructions" for my mother, consumed over four pages of paper.

Over this past week, I actually made myself physically sick thinking of all the preparations I'd have to make just to be able to go on this weekend trip (packing, typing instructions, etc.). It's not like I can just pack each kid an overnight bag and send them on their way. Sending them anywhere, for even just 1 night (and in this case, they'll be gone for 2), requires packing up what seems like half the house. Aside from the normal clothing and toiletries, we have to pack a giant Vest machine, an air compressor (for nebs), medications, a feeding tube pole and machine plus all the stuff needed for the actual feedings, special food for the kids...the list goes on. It's insane, and it's the biggest reason we don't really go much of anywhere and also the reason we are grateful when we do.

But the packing and preparations part is not my greatest worry as far as sending the kids away. Rather, it is my worry that the things they require won't be done or done right. I realize there are different ways to doing things and that as long as it gets done I should be happy, but these are my kids I am talking about, not a list of chores that need to be done around the house. If one of them misses a treatment or doesn't get a medication at the time they need it, it's not like a pile of dirty dishes left in the sink that can be done later on. This is their health I'm dealing with, so it's not something that can just be left to "get to" at will. And even though they are staying with family members that see us regularly, they still don't understand how much we actually have to do on any given day until they actually are the ones doing it. I'm afraid something will be forgotten or not done correctly simply because they are not used to doing it on a regular basis. It is second nature to me because I do it every day, and it is as much a part of my routine as brushing my teeth or eating a meal.

Having all this to worry about always ultimately makes me change my mind about planning any getaway trips with my husband, even though we really need that alone time together. I always say, "Maybe when they are older." I've been saying this since Emberlynn was a baby, and she's almost 4 1/2.

Everything is booked and paid for (hotel, white water rafting, river boat dinner cruise) and nonrefundable, so even if I wanted to change my mind, I couldn't. I am still a little worried, but I've had time to talk myself into it, and I know it will be good for my husband and I to get out of "Daddy and Mommy mode" and focus on "husband and wife" mode instead for a couple of days.

So tomorrow, we are shipping Emberlynn and Cohen off to Grandma's house for two days. I'll try to refrain from calling constantly, but I will definitely be calling at bedtime to check in and say goodnight to my babies. I'm sure they'll have so much fun playing with everyone and swimming in the pool that they'll hardly notice we're gone, which will help me feel a little bit better about leaving them. Just a little bit.