As I type this, my three-year-old son Cohen (soon to be four...wow, where has the time gone...) is running around in his sister's dress up clothes, adorned in a purple skirt, a butterfly tiara, plastic high-heels, and a pair of sunglasses with one of the lenses missing. He is also golfing with a plastic golf club. It's quite a sight. I have many pictures of him dressed up in similar ways, which I'm sure he will totally appreciate in later years, especially when he starts dating.
Cohen has been struggling with his weight gain (or lack thereof) for nearly a year now, and the topic of a feeding tube has come up several times in the last few clinic visits (more about that in previous blogs, if you're interested). His next clinic visit is next week, only a month from the last visit because they want to see if his growth is progressing and to therefore determine what our next step will be (tube or no tube). So I have been weighing him every week since the last visit and am happy to report he has put on two pounds in just four weeks, which I think is pretty significant. I hope the docs will think so, too.
As many of you know, I took on the challenge of homeschooling my oldest, Emberlynn, a couple of months ago when she started kindergarten. She is enjoying it and picks up everything with ease, but sometimes I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew. We chose homeschooling because it was the most logical thing to do given the kids' treatment schedules; we felt she would have no life beyond school and treatments. She would have to get up very early every day and therefore go to bed very early at night (about seven p.m. to be able to get about ten hours). Between school, homework, dinner, treatments, and a normal bed routine (bath, brushing teeth, reading books), we didn't see how it would be possible to get it all done and her still have time to be a kid. Granted, there are plenty of CFers out there who do go to school and have similar routines, so I realize it can be done, but we felt like since I stay at home, it only seemed right to homeschool and free up time in her day for her to do other things (playing with her brother, going to gymnastics, etc.).
But I am admitting to everyone that my plate is just too full, and we have considered putting her in regular school next year (if not next year then the year after when Cohen goes to kindergarten so that they would be going together). Plus, part of me feels I am depriving Emberlynn of a lot of social opportunities that she would get if she was in an actual school around other kids. She really loved preschool, so I know she would do well in a school setting, but she also tells me she likes doing school at home.
I've really been at war with myself over this lately, wondering if we have made the right decision to homeschool. There are so many pros, but there are several cons, too, and I can't seem to ignore those. The bottom line is that I want my daughter to thrive and have the best life possible; I want this for all my kids, obviously. If I stop homeschooling, I will feel like I have failed in a way, but if I continue, I don't know that I can give it my all like I want to, which would not be by choice but because I am just not Supermom. And I can't do it all. And if you know me well, you know how hard it is for me to admit that. My husband tells me all the time that I can't do it all and am not expected to, but day in and day out, I beat myself up over stupid things that I feel like I should have gotten done, even if it's as petty as leaving dishes in the sink at night because I didn't get around to doing them.
What it comes down to is how my kids will see me as they look back when they are older. I don't want them to remember me as a crazy, stressed-out mom who felt like she had to do everything or would freak out. If that means I don't homeschool, then maybe I'm doing them a favor. For now, as they say, we will "keep on keeping on" and hope for the best.
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