"I can't believe I'm six!"

This is what my daughter said today on her sixth birthday. Probably because I kept saying, "I can't believe you are going to be six!" on the weeks and days leading up to it.

Six years ago, just before midnight on February 13th, I was going to bed dreading having to work the next day when my water broke. Well, it didn't break so much as slightly trickle, really. Which is why I thought maybe I had peed on myself. I wasn't due for two more weeks, and "they" (whoever "they" are) say that first babies tend to be late, so I figured it would be early March before Emberlynn Grace would, well, "grace" us with her presence (pun totally intended). My husband and mom finally convinced me I should go to the hospital, even though I knew I would be upset with myself if I had, indeed, peed on myself.

But nearly thirteen hours later, I was pushing, in so much pain but with so much anticipation, excited but scared beyond measure, and she was here. When I saw her face, there were no words. Just tears and floods of overwhelming, unexplainable emotion.

My daughter has no idea how much I love her, that she is a piece of my heart walking around on the outside of my body. She has no idea I was only twenty-one when I had her, that I had no real clue what I was doing, even though I had prepared for parenthood in all the ways I knew how. I wanted to be the perfect mom, and I set these impossible standards for myself. She has no idea that at the end of every day, I question my mothering, hoping that even if I do things wrong or in ways differently than how I planned, she will still feel loved and cherished.

She is my only daughter, and she may always be my only daughter, and I think I have taken that for granted. She isn't a little baby girl anymore. I have this one distinct memory of when she was a newborn baby: she was asleep in the middle of my bed, and I lay next to her watching her for what seemed like hours, thinking how fast she would grow and trying to just take in that moment. I swore I'd never forget what her face looked like at that moment, how she smelled, how small her hands were, how quick her breaths were. Because I knew I would blink, and it would be gone.

Well, I blinked again, and now she is six.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful, intelligent, creative, loving, silly, amazing daughter.

Black Bean Brownies

On Tuesday, I made Garbanzo Bean Blondies, a recipe I found on Jami Nato's blog. She also has a recipe for Black Bean Brownies, which I was dying to try as well. They are gluten-free and have protein and fiber. They even have spinach in them for some added nutrition. I'm all for hiding veggies in yummy things and have been doing it for years.

Jami notes that these brownies are better cold than warm and fresh (the exact opposite of how I like to eat brownies normally). So I figured I'd try it both ways to see if I agree. She is definitely right! Feel free to try it both ways also.

So here's what you need:

**UPDATE**:  Over time, we have changed some of the ingredients we use in recipes.  Instead of canola oil, I now use organic extra virgin coconut oil, and instead of refined sugar, I use coconut sugar or half of each (1/2 cup coconut sugar and 1/2 cup cane sugar, preferrably unrefined).  

• 1 can black beans (15.25 oz), drained and rinsed
• 1/2 cup fresh spinach (more or less)
• 3 eggs
• 1/2 cup oil (I generally substitute applesauce for oil in normal brownie recipes; however, I wasn't sure how it would turn out with this one, so I left it as is)
• 1/4 cup cocoa powder
• 1 TBSP vanilla extract
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 tsp ground coffee
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
• (Note: I put baking powder in the picture thinking I would need it, but this recipe does not call for it. So just ignore that!)

After draining and rinsing your black beans, place in blender and pulse a few times to break them up. Add oil and spinach and blend, blend, blend until it is very smooth with no lumps (you may have to scrape the sides of the blender a few times with a rubber spatula through the process). At this point your mixture should look something like, well, poop. Yep, I said it. After I blended the beans, spinach, and oil, I put the mixture in a bowl because I figured it would be easier. But you can continue to do the rest of the mixing in your blender if your blender is a good one.

Add vanilla, cocoa powder, sugar, coffee, and salt and blend together. Jami says that here she threw in a TBSP of chocolate chips, but this is optional (I didn't add them here). Add the eggs last and pulse until well-blended. Don't overdue it, though. The mixture should now look like actual brownie mix.
Grease an 8x8 baking dish with cooking spray and pour brownie batter into it (it will be pretty thin). Sprinkle the chocolate chips all over the top (mixing them in will make them sink to the bottom, as I learned accidentally...more on that in a moment...). Bake at 350 for 40-45 minutes until middle is done. My confession: I totally forgot to mix in my cocoa powder until the very end. I already had the mixture poured into the dish and about 3/4 of the chocolate chips scattered over the top before I realized this, so I had to mix it in. This is why the following picture looks like it exploded or something. I'm just glad I caught it before baking it, otherwise I think these brownies would have been downright nasty.

Once they were done, I let them cool for a little while before cutting into them. I tried one warm, like I said, and they were just ok. I refrigerated them and tried one once they were cold, and it was way better. They have a coffee/chocolate flavor, and I didn't notice the beans, though you can tell there is something different about them. My husband can't decide if he likes these or the Garbanzo Bean Blondies better, but he likes them both nonetheless. I'm hoping to get Em and Cohen to try the brownies after dinner this evening.

Just a few words

Really, it's February already? As cliche as it sounds, time really does fly. My Emmylou will be six in less than two weeks. Six. Every year, I think, "Wow, I can't believe she is already [insert age here]." She is so much like me, though I'm not sure some of those aspects are good things (like trying to be a perfectionist and being so emotional about everything). Sometimes I look at my daughter and think, Oh, my goodness, she is so incredibly beautiful. And smart. And funny. And then sometimes I look at Matt and think, We made that kid. We did a good job. Even though we were young (still are, thank you!) and inexperienced and had no idea what we were really getting into, we have an amazing daughter. And two amazing boys who followed.

Speaking of my boys (or one of them), Kyden has been crawling for a few weeks. But it's not your normal crawl; it's more of an ape-walk thing where he propels himself forward. In any case, he gets around the house with no problem, pulling DVDs off the shelves and trying to "help" with Em and Cohen's treatments by grabbing the cords that attach to the Vest machines. Yesterday, he found one of his big brother's trucks and put one hand on it and was rolling it back and forth. It was one of the cutest things ever.

I don't want to leave Cohen out of this post, so here is a picture of him being silly in his Sheriff Woody get-up:

Garbanzo Bean Blondies

I'm sure just after reading the title of this post, you are thinking, "Um, gross." A few years ago, I would have thought the same thing. But I have altered mine and my family's eating habits drastically since Matt and I got married six years ago. We have made small changes over the years (like switching from "white" grains to whole wheat stuff, etc.).

But that's an entirely different blog (or several). This blog is about the Garbanzo Bean Blondies I

made from a recipe I found on fellow blogger Jami's blog. It gluten-free (although she points out that oats, which are one of the ingredients, is currently suspected to contain gluten, though I don't know this has been proven). We have not gone gluten-free, and I don't intend to unless it's medically necessary (I mean, we have enough nutritional challenges around here without hopping on the gluten-free bandwagon for social reasons), but I am all about making sweet treats more nutritious. I don't know the actual numbers, but I know these blondies have fiber and protein and are flour-less. They do, however, have sugar and chocolate, but if they didn't, you'd have blondies that taste like beans. Ick.

I would just say to hop over to Jami's blog for this recipe, but I had to modify a few things (namely, not mixing the ingredients in a blender as she suggests because my blender is apparently not as efficient as hers).

You will need:

• (1) 15-oz can garbanzo beans/chickpeas
• 2 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 cup almond butter (or peanut butter)
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup oats
• 1 Tbsp ground flax seed
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/8 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 cup brown sugar (packed)
• 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Drain and rinse your can of beans. If you have a blender or food processor, I recommend pouring the beans in there and pulsing it to break up the beans. Otherwise, you can do in manually in a bowl. Once your beans are mashed up, place in a bowl and add vanilla and almond butter (or peanut butter) and mix together. Add egg, oats, and flax seed and mix together. Add brown sugar, salt, baking soda, and baking powder and mix again.

Finally, fold in the chocolate chips.

Grease an 8x8 baking dish (mine is glass) with cooking spray (I use canola oil spray, but I also have coconut oil, which would be great to use also). Scrape the batter into the dish and bake at 350 for about 4o minutes, give or take. The outside of mine was done before the middle, which was still pretty gooshy. I just kept checking the middle every few minutes with a toothpick until it was done. Let them cool like you would brownies before cutting into them.

My verdict: These were good with just a hint of the bean taste, but the sugar and chocolate cover it up quite well. If you are new to this (healthifying desserts), I don't know that I would recommend this as your first one to try, only because they taste much different than your traditional blondies/brownies, and you may be turned off by the idea entirely.

I'll update this later to let you know what my husband thought about them and if I was able to get my kids to try them (they are strange in that they have to be talked into trying everything, even desserts, whether it is healthy or not).

This is why I "stay at home", literally

I get a little irked sometimes when I hear people complain about things that pale in comparison to what others are going through. Of course, as humans, we are all going to complain, or at least want to complain, about things that are going on in our lives. I try not to complain if I can help it because what I go through, no matter how serious, I know there are people going through worse, who have more stressful things to deal with on a daily basis.

That said, I thought I would share what a typical day for us looks like. I will say right now that I know there are people whose days are way more complicated/busy/stressful/[insert adjective here], but for many people I know, their days are not as crazy as they might think once you get a glimpse of the "craziness" that ensues here. I am not posting this for attention on my part, only to allow others to see life in my shoes and therefore better appreciate their own and not complain so much about the little things that don't really matter.

Around 6:30 am: After being up every couple of hours (or sometimes every hour) with an infant whose nursing schedule hasn't changed since birth, Cohen crawls into my bed and taps me on the face until I wake up, greeting me with, "Mom, I need bruck-fist." Usually, he wakes his brother up in the process since Kyden still rooms with us and will until he decides that sleeping through the night is a widely accepted practice. If Kyden is due to nurse, I will nurse him in bed before getting up to start our morning, much to Cohen's dissatisfaction, who is hungry first thing in the morning. (I'm the same way, so I can't blame him.)

Around 7 am: The boys and I go the kitchen, where I get enzymes ready for Cohen and Emberlynn. I usually hear Emberlynn around this time, who calls for me because she is attached to a feeding tube and pole, and it's a pain in the rear to haul that thing around unless you really have to. There is almost always an urgency in her voice because she usually needs to pee after having 24 ounces of high-calorie formula pumped into her stomach all night long. I unhook her so she can go potty. While she takes care of business, I give Cohen his enzymes and breakfast, which begins with a whole-milk yogurt (Yobaby is a food group around here), in which I mix his nasty liquid vitamins and probiotic powder, which he totally doesn't even realize. As he eats (well, inhales, really) his yogurt, Emberlynn is usually done, and I flush the extension that goes into her mic-key button, put her liquid vitamins through it, and flush it again, then remove her extension. She takes her enzymes (she has to take them before and after tube feedings), but she rarely eats a breakfast because she is so full from the formula.

Emberlynn and Cohen usually play, or Emberlynn works on school work while Cohen plays, while I get started on whatever chores need to be done (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc.) and tend to Kyden, who eats breakfast at different times depending on when he nurses. I also wash and sterilize Emberlynn and Cohen's nebulizers, which must be done every day at least once per day. If it's a "TOBI month" (Emberlynn is on an inhaled antibiotic every other month for 28 days), I wash nebs twice a day because she has it in the morning and at night.

9:30 am: After having Emberlynn and Cohen clean up any messes they have made, they have a morning snack, but not before taking their required enzymes. Kyden usually lays down for a nap at this time, which allows me to get Emberlynn and Cohen's Vest machines out and hooked up.

10:00 am: The kids wash up from snack and get on their Vests for therapy time (these machines help break up the sticky mucus in their lungs), which is thirty minutes. They usually watch a DVD or a show on Disney or Nick, Jr., but sometimes they choose to play their Mobigos or look at books. We pause their Vests at ten-minute intervals so they can cough and try to get any "yuckies" up. Once Vest therapy is done, they have to do breathing treatments. They each get Pulmozyme, which helps thin out the mucus so they can cough it up more easily. This takes about ten to fifteen minutes to administer. If Emberlynn is on TOBI at the time, she gets it after her Pulmozyme breathing treatment is done. The TOBI takes about thirty minutes.

Kyden wakes up from his nap anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple of hours after he lays down, and he nurses at some point depending on the last time. Now that he is mobile, he loves to crawl to the machines and grab the cords and hoses, so there is a lot of the "Mommy moving Kyden away from the Vest machines" game.

12:00 pm: This is usually when we have lunch. My kids don't choose normal things, like PB&J, but rather, they have a very short list of foods they will eat. For Emberlynn, it's turkey bacon, ham, or "butter noodles", which is spaghetti with butter and "sprinkle cheese" (or leftover ravioli, if we have it, which is not often). She is the world's slowest eater, and most days it literally takes her an hour or longer to eat a very small amount of anything at lunch time. She might also eat a banana yogurt (another Yobaby flavor) or a banana itself, or leftover corn. Cohen usually chooses chicken nuggets, a staple for most any preschooler. I would love to at least buy the organic ones, but our budget doesn't allow for that (it would cost me about $6 for a box of chicken nuggets that would last about three or four days. That's $60 a month or so just for chicken nuggets. Um, no.) I have tried making homemade ones and freezing them, but I guess they just don't have that wonderful processed flavor kids adore. Lately, he has wanted fries also, which are organic, and I cook them in a pan in coconut oil (a great source of good fat and other benefits for the kids, like anti-inflammatory and antibiotic properties) and add salt (another must for CF-ers). He then has another yogurt. Both kids get "treats" if they eat good lunches (Emberlynn likes things like chocolate pudding and Hershey kisses; Cohen chooses goodies like Goldfish or WhoNu cookies, which are our Oreo wannabes).

I feed Kyden his lunch between 12 and 1. And somewhere in there, I make lunch for myself, too, which is usually something easy and quick like a salad or tuna with yogurt.

If there is time after lunch, the kids get a little more play time, or we go outside if the weather is nice.

1:00 pm: Following lunch, it's nap time for Cohen and sometimes Kyden if he is ready for his second nap (otherwise he goes down a little later). Cohen and I read a book together before he lays down. This is usually Emberlynn's main school time, although lately she has needed rest time (when she is whiny and grouchy), so it depends on her needs for the day.

During this time, Emberlynn and I are doing school, and if Kyden is sleeping along with Cohen, I try to get more housework done and make any important phone calls with as little interruption as possible.

Around 3 or 3:30 pm: Cohen usually gets up from nap, and Emberlynn is either finishing up school work or getting up from her rest time. They both have an afternoon snack (but not before taking enzymes for the fourth time today).

Matt usually gets home around 3:30 if he works a normal 8-hour day, so I am able to get more stuff done around the house and occasionally get in some kind of workout, though most days my motivation for doing that is pretty much nonexistent.

Around 5 pm: I usually start dinner unless it's something that takes longer to prepare, in which case I would start it earlier than five. With Matt home, I can usually get dinner done pretty easily. Sometimes Matt gets the kids started on Vests for their evening treatments, otherwise that's an after-dinner thing.

Around 5:30 or 6 pm: We eat dinner, which usually consists of trying to get Emberlynn and Cohen to eat enough of their dinner. As picky as they are, there are very few things they eat well. I make things high-calorie for them (adding butter or oil to things like veggies and pasta), and I also add salt to their food like usual. Foods that are high in calories on their own (like pizza, casseroles, etc.) are foods that the don't eat well. Go figure. It's an everyday battle and an everyday worry.

Around 6:30 pm: If the kids need baths (they get one every other day), they start them after dinner. Matt usually bathes Cohen while I clean up the dining room and kitchen, then I bathe Emberlynn when Cohen is done. Kyden gets a bath later or in the morning.

7:00 pm: We usually aim to start nightly treatments around this time, and a little earlier if it's a TOBI month. The kids do their Vest therapy again. Once that's done, they start getting ready for bed. They get medications (each of them gets a Prevacid tablet, and Cohen also gets Claritin). Either Matt or myself gets Emberlynn's feeding tube ready, which requires setting up a bag on the feeding machine, pouring in the containers of formula, priming it, and getting other things we need together in order to get Emberlynn on her tube once she's in bed (a giant syringe, water, her extension, etc.). Emberlynn also gets enzymes before bed since she is on a feeding tube.

8:00-8:30 pm: Emberlynn and Cohen both go potty, get their teeth brushed, and we read either from the Bible or read a book before getting tucked in. Sometimes I am nursing Kyden and Matt gets them down, which also requires hooking Emberlynn up to her feeding tube; otherwise, Matt usually tucks Cohen in, and I take care of Emberlynn.

8:30-9:00 pm: This is about the time Kyden goes down; although, as I have already mentioned, he does not sleep for long stretches. He usually stirs and wakes when Matt and I go to bed, and he doesn't always go back to sleep easily.

9:00-10:00 pm: Matt and I have a little while to ourselves, during which we might catch up on a favorite show (thank goodness for DVR), play around on the computer for a little bit, do our daily couple's devotional, etc. We try to go to bed by ten since Matt gets up at 4:15 for work, and I am up constantly through the night with Kyden.

This is a typical day when I don't have anywhere to be, like an appointment or going grocery shopping or taking Emberlynn to a gymnastics class or whatever may come up. It's life, right? On those days, we adjust as needed to make it all work. It can be crazy, but it's our normal, and we really don't know any other life. Just don't take yours for granted.

The Memory Keepers

I have been following a blog written by another mom of three. What appeals to me the most is that she is super-hilarious, and reading her blog is just refreshing to me. She also has some great recipes, which also happen to be gluten-free (because of her middle child, daughter Lila), which are what brought me to her blog to begin with. Her most recent post sums up exactly how I feel about blogging. In short, she says that mothers "blog to tell our story. We are the memory keepers." This is so, so true. If people like to read my blog, that's fine. But it's more for myself and my family so that we can be able to read about things that happened years before, and when my kids are grown and I'm missing them at this age, I know I will appreciate this blog. You can read her full post here.

I really want to blog more, but there is the issue of time. I know you hear that from everyone: "I don't have time." And I'll admit, I do have the time, but I always seem to find something that needs to be done that takes precedence over blogging. Then the time gets away from me, and it's weeks and even months between blogs. I make a promise, even if it's only to myself, that I will blog more regularly, but the cycle restarts.

In my previous life when I was not a wife and mom (I say previous life because my carefree, single life was vastly different than it is now), I was a writer. When I wasn't working and going to school and hanging out with friends, writing was my hobby and favorite pasttime. It was my most intimate relationship, you could say. I could get lost in it for hours. Now writing is like an ex that I've never gotten over: out of my life, always thinking about it, and sometimes running into it and promising I will keep in touch even though I don't once we part ways again. Writing was what defined me, and now all that defines me is being someone's wife and someone's mom.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with every ounce of my being, and I absolutely adore and cherish my children. I would never trade the life I have now for any promises in the world. I am blessed beyond words to be able to stay at home with my kids and do all the things that come with the job of SAHM. But here's the thing: One day, it will all end. My kids will be grown, and my job will be done. Well, yes, I know I will always be a mom, but they won't need me in the same ways they do now. When the day comes that Matt and I are empty-nesters, I don't want to be left wondering what to do next.

But back to the point: I want to write again, even if it's just blogging a few lines each day, just to say, "Hey, Cohen had a snotty nose today and blew snot bubbles" or "Kyden laughed so hard at his brother's silly antics" or "Emberlynn read an entire book alone today." Or to blog about something besides my children, which sometimes seems impossible because they are essentially my life. My sister suggested doing a food blog, but because keeping up with one blog is challenging enough and having two might cause me to have an aneurysm, I will incorporate my cooking and baking adventures into this one.

And because duty calls (it's currently time for my older two kids' treatments), I will end this with a picture of, you guessed it, my adorable kiddos:

(Ignore the crazy-looking lady on the right, however. She's just there to hold up the adorable infant.)

Kite-flying

I can't say I'm surprised that we have had some unseasonable weather. This is Tennessee, after all, where we have had nineties in October and snow in April. We have had a mild January, with temps that make it feel more like Spring, and I have appreciated it for several reasons (not freezing, for one, followed by more outside time for the kids and lower heating bills!).

Since today was in the sixties, and it was a beautiful sunny day, the kids enjoyed some outdoor play time after lunch and again after nap time and school time (the boys nap and Emberlynn does her school work). It just so happens that Emberlynn is learning about air in science and how air pressure helps objects (like planes) stay in the air. We made paper air planes and flew them in the house, and I told Emberlynn that once we went outside after the boys woke up that we would fly a kite also. This would be the perfect day because there was a nice breeze to keep the kite up.

At first, she was confused and said, "But we can't fly a kite. It isn't Spring. It's Winter." If only the weather was as black and white as her assumption. I explained that it was a warm Winter day and that the weather was just right for kite-flying. She was SUPER excited, so much so that the minute Cohen sleepily walked out of his room after nap, she told him all about it and was telling him to get his shoes on. I had to make her wait since they needed to have snack time first.

Once outside and I got the kite assembled correctly (it took me a few minutes, as I have never actually assembled a kite, only flown one), I held the end of the kite and showed her how to hold the handle with the string and run until it started flying up. She and Cohen took turns, laughing every time it would crash. I think they were more thrilled with the crashing part than anything else. Cohen was the first one to keep it up the air, but I think he got bored with it just hanging out up there and wanted it to crash again. Emberlynn got it to stay up for a while during her next turn. I showed her how to give it more slack so that it would fly even higher.

I think they could have stayed outside all afternoon flying that dollar-store kite. I felt the same way, only I had to go do this important adult thing called making dinner. I was grateful for being able to experience their first times flying a kite.

I wish I had some pictures or, better yet, videos, of them flying the kite, but this was one of those times when being in the moment was more important than being behind the camera. I'm going to remember the looks on their faces and the joy in their laugh as they discovered the magic in the simplicity of flying a kite.

This may be my shortest blog ever

Just blogging to say that one of my "resolutions" (I say that for lack of a better word because I think "New Year's Resolutions" are one thing in society that sets people up to fail and feel like failures...but that's another post entirely) is to blog regularly. I've said this before, but if you know me at all and know what my life is like, I think people will cut me some slack. My goal is to blog once a week, or at least a few times a month. It's not so much for everyone else's interest so much as for my own record and benefit, plus writing has always been therapeutic for me.

But at this moment, there is a pretty awesome guy to whom I'm married who is ready to snuggle up with me and watch a movie, so I'm choosing him over blogging right now. He should feel pretty special. ;-)

Growin' Cohen

After a long day with plenty of ups and downs, I'm happy to end it with a positive blog. Cohen is finally back up in the "green zone" based on his BMI; he is now in the 50th percentile after having dropped pretty far below for nearly a year. The doctors were recommending a g-tube if we couldn't get his weight up soon, and they were really going to push it if this visit didn't show much improvement.

When he quit drinking Pediasure shortly after his third birthday, he lost close to a thousand calories a day (he was drinking 3 to 4 day, which equates to between 700 and 1000 a day). That's pretty substantial for a small child. Granted, he was eating food very well, but nothing that contained enough calories to make up for what the Pediasure was providing.

So over the last few months, we have been slowly getting him to drink more and more Pediasure, which has obviously been helping. I have been weighing him every week to monitor his growth. He put on two pounds alone over the last five weeks, so I knew going into clinic visit today that he would show a big difference from last time but didn't know if it would be enough to bump him to the 50th percentile or above.

Now we just have to maintain his weight and keep him at a steady increase. He is up to 1.5 containers of Pediasure a day, but our ultimate goal is 2 a day.

Both kids also had to get flu shots today. Not fun. Enough said.

Cohen had a routine chest x-ray following clinic. The x-ray allows the doctors to be able to see what's going on in his lungs better than just listening with a stethoscope.

Cohen also gave me a few good laughs today, which I wanted to share:

My sister Shauna was going to be coming along with us, so this morning when we arrived to pick her up and were waiting on her to come to the car, Cohen said quite theatrically, "Where is my lady?! Where is my lady Shauna?!" And when he saw her coming to the car, he announced, "There is my lady Shauna!" Too funny. I think he picked up "my lady" from Daddy, who has always called me his lady as a term of endearment.

Second, as we were waiting to be called back for Cohen's x-ray, he and Emberlynn met a new little friend in the waiting area. Cohen initiated a conversation with her, and his side went something like this: "How old are you?...I'm three....What's your name?...Oh, [little girl's name]? That's a great name...My name is Cohen....I have a brother...his name is Kyden...it's spelled K-Y-D-E-N..." A few minutes later, she had stopped playing with them and was looking sad about something, and Cohen ran over to me and said, "Mom! I think she is sad because I didn't hug her!"

And finally, for his chest x-ray, he was required to take his shirt off. So when it came time to put it back on, he told me, "It's ok, Mom. I'm fine without it." Needless to say, I explained why he had to put it back on, and he obliged. That's my silly boy!

The morning started out rocky (he wasn't the most cooperative boy at first when the nurse was trying to get his vitals and measurements), but it turned out ok. I have to remind myself that even though the kids know what to expect at every clinic visit and that it is something they have done countless times and will continue to do at least four times a year, they are still little and sometimes just don't feel like doing it. I can't blame them. I have those days, too, and I'm sure if I had to go through all the junk they go through at visits, I'd be a little crabby too.

The Chosen Mothers

I found this posted on a fellow CF mom's blog and wanted to share. Some days are hard when it comes to taking care of kids with special health needs, but I know that God chose me to be their mom for a reason. He entrusted them to me for as long as I am allowed to have them, and I would never, ever change that...

The Chosen Mothers by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?


Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."


Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But, does she have patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has it's own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you."

"No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them." She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side."

"And what about her patron Saint?" asks the angel. His pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."