Garbanzo Bean Blondies

I'm sure just after reading the title of this post, you are thinking, "Um, gross." A few years ago, I would have thought the same thing. But I have altered mine and my family's eating habits drastically since Matt and I got married six years ago. We have made small changes over the years (like switching from "white" grains to whole wheat stuff, etc.).

But that's an entirely different blog (or several). This blog is about the Garbanzo Bean Blondies I

made from a recipe I found on fellow blogger Jami's blog. It gluten-free (although she points out that oats, which are one of the ingredients, is currently suspected to contain gluten, though I don't know this has been proven). We have not gone gluten-free, and I don't intend to unless it's medically necessary (I mean, we have enough nutritional challenges around here without hopping on the gluten-free bandwagon for social reasons), but I am all about making sweet treats more nutritious. I don't know the actual numbers, but I know these blondies have fiber and protein and are flour-less. They do, however, have sugar and chocolate, but if they didn't, you'd have blondies that taste like beans. Ick.

I would just say to hop over to Jami's blog for this recipe, but I had to modify a few things (namely, not mixing the ingredients in a blender as she suggests because my blender is apparently not as efficient as hers).

You will need:

• (1) 15-oz can garbanzo beans/chickpeas
• 2 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 cup almond butter (or peanut butter)
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup oats
• 1 Tbsp ground flax seed
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/8 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 cup brown sugar (packed)
• 1/2 cup chocolate chips

Drain and rinse your can of beans. If you have a blender or food processor, I recommend pouring the beans in there and pulsing it to break up the beans. Otherwise, you can do in manually in a bowl. Once your beans are mashed up, place in a bowl and add vanilla and almond butter (or peanut butter) and mix together. Add egg, oats, and flax seed and mix together. Add brown sugar, salt, baking soda, and baking powder and mix again.

Finally, fold in the chocolate chips.

Grease an 8x8 baking dish (mine is glass) with cooking spray (I use canola oil spray, but I also have coconut oil, which would be great to use also). Scrape the batter into the dish and bake at 350 for about 4o minutes, give or take. The outside of mine was done before the middle, which was still pretty gooshy. I just kept checking the middle every few minutes with a toothpick until it was done. Let them cool like you would brownies before cutting into them.

My verdict: These were good with just a hint of the bean taste, but the sugar and chocolate cover it up quite well. If you are new to this (healthifying desserts), I don't know that I would recommend this as your first one to try, only because they taste much different than your traditional blondies/brownies, and you may be turned off by the idea entirely.

I'll update this later to let you know what my husband thought about them and if I was able to get my kids to try them (they are strange in that they have to be talked into trying everything, even desserts, whether it is healthy or not).

This is why I "stay at home", literally

I get a little irked sometimes when I hear people complain about things that pale in comparison to what others are going through. Of course, as humans, we are all going to complain, or at least want to complain, about things that are going on in our lives. I try not to complain if I can help it because what I go through, no matter how serious, I know there are people going through worse, who have more stressful things to deal with on a daily basis.

That said, I thought I would share what a typical day for us looks like. I will say right now that I know there are people whose days are way more complicated/busy/stressful/[insert adjective here], but for many people I know, their days are not as crazy as they might think once you get a glimpse of the "craziness" that ensues here. I am not posting this for attention on my part, only to allow others to see life in my shoes and therefore better appreciate their own and not complain so much about the little things that don't really matter.

Around 6:30 am: After being up every couple of hours (or sometimes every hour) with an infant whose nursing schedule hasn't changed since birth, Cohen crawls into my bed and taps me on the face until I wake up, greeting me with, "Mom, I need bruck-fist." Usually, he wakes his brother up in the process since Kyden still rooms with us and will until he decides that sleeping through the night is a widely accepted practice. If Kyden is due to nurse, I will nurse him in bed before getting up to start our morning, much to Cohen's dissatisfaction, who is hungry first thing in the morning. (I'm the same way, so I can't blame him.)

Around 7 am: The boys and I go the kitchen, where I get enzymes ready for Cohen and Emberlynn. I usually hear Emberlynn around this time, who calls for me because she is attached to a feeding tube and pole, and it's a pain in the rear to haul that thing around unless you really have to. There is almost always an urgency in her voice because she usually needs to pee after having 24 ounces of high-calorie formula pumped into her stomach all night long. I unhook her so she can go potty. While she takes care of business, I give Cohen his enzymes and breakfast, which begins with a whole-milk yogurt (Yobaby is a food group around here), in which I mix his nasty liquid vitamins and probiotic powder, which he totally doesn't even realize. As he eats (well, inhales, really) his yogurt, Emberlynn is usually done, and I flush the extension that goes into her mic-key button, put her liquid vitamins through it, and flush it again, then remove her extension. She takes her enzymes (she has to take them before and after tube feedings), but she rarely eats a breakfast because she is so full from the formula.

Emberlynn and Cohen usually play, or Emberlynn works on school work while Cohen plays, while I get started on whatever chores need to be done (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc.) and tend to Kyden, who eats breakfast at different times depending on when he nurses. I also wash and sterilize Emberlynn and Cohen's nebulizers, which must be done every day at least once per day. If it's a "TOBI month" (Emberlynn is on an inhaled antibiotic every other month for 28 days), I wash nebs twice a day because she has it in the morning and at night.

9:30 am: After having Emberlynn and Cohen clean up any messes they have made, they have a morning snack, but not before taking their required enzymes. Kyden usually lays down for a nap at this time, which allows me to get Emberlynn and Cohen's Vest machines out and hooked up.

10:00 am: The kids wash up from snack and get on their Vests for therapy time (these machines help break up the sticky mucus in their lungs), which is thirty minutes. They usually watch a DVD or a show on Disney or Nick, Jr., but sometimes they choose to play their Mobigos or look at books. We pause their Vests at ten-minute intervals so they can cough and try to get any "yuckies" up. Once Vest therapy is done, they have to do breathing treatments. They each get Pulmozyme, which helps thin out the mucus so they can cough it up more easily. This takes about ten to fifteen minutes to administer. If Emberlynn is on TOBI at the time, she gets it after her Pulmozyme breathing treatment is done. The TOBI takes about thirty minutes.

Kyden wakes up from his nap anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple of hours after he lays down, and he nurses at some point depending on the last time. Now that he is mobile, he loves to crawl to the machines and grab the cords and hoses, so there is a lot of the "Mommy moving Kyden away from the Vest machines" game.

12:00 pm: This is usually when we have lunch. My kids don't choose normal things, like PB&J, but rather, they have a very short list of foods they will eat. For Emberlynn, it's turkey bacon, ham, or "butter noodles", which is spaghetti with butter and "sprinkle cheese" (or leftover ravioli, if we have it, which is not often). She is the world's slowest eater, and most days it literally takes her an hour or longer to eat a very small amount of anything at lunch time. She might also eat a banana yogurt (another Yobaby flavor) or a banana itself, or leftover corn. Cohen usually chooses chicken nuggets, a staple for most any preschooler. I would love to at least buy the organic ones, but our budget doesn't allow for that (it would cost me about $6 for a box of chicken nuggets that would last about three or four days. That's $60 a month or so just for chicken nuggets. Um, no.) I have tried making homemade ones and freezing them, but I guess they just don't have that wonderful processed flavor kids adore. Lately, he has wanted fries also, which are organic, and I cook them in a pan in coconut oil (a great source of good fat and other benefits for the kids, like anti-inflammatory and antibiotic properties) and add salt (another must for CF-ers). He then has another yogurt. Both kids get "treats" if they eat good lunches (Emberlynn likes things like chocolate pudding and Hershey kisses; Cohen chooses goodies like Goldfish or WhoNu cookies, which are our Oreo wannabes).

I feed Kyden his lunch between 12 and 1. And somewhere in there, I make lunch for myself, too, which is usually something easy and quick like a salad or tuna with yogurt.

If there is time after lunch, the kids get a little more play time, or we go outside if the weather is nice.

1:00 pm: Following lunch, it's nap time for Cohen and sometimes Kyden if he is ready for his second nap (otherwise he goes down a little later). Cohen and I read a book together before he lays down. This is usually Emberlynn's main school time, although lately she has needed rest time (when she is whiny and grouchy), so it depends on her needs for the day.

During this time, Emberlynn and I are doing school, and if Kyden is sleeping along with Cohen, I try to get more housework done and make any important phone calls with as little interruption as possible.

Around 3 or 3:30 pm: Cohen usually gets up from nap, and Emberlynn is either finishing up school work or getting up from her rest time. They both have an afternoon snack (but not before taking enzymes for the fourth time today).

Matt usually gets home around 3:30 if he works a normal 8-hour day, so I am able to get more stuff done around the house and occasionally get in some kind of workout, though most days my motivation for doing that is pretty much nonexistent.

Around 5 pm: I usually start dinner unless it's something that takes longer to prepare, in which case I would start it earlier than five. With Matt home, I can usually get dinner done pretty easily. Sometimes Matt gets the kids started on Vests for their evening treatments, otherwise that's an after-dinner thing.

Around 5:30 or 6 pm: We eat dinner, which usually consists of trying to get Emberlynn and Cohen to eat enough of their dinner. As picky as they are, there are very few things they eat well. I make things high-calorie for them (adding butter or oil to things like veggies and pasta), and I also add salt to their food like usual. Foods that are high in calories on their own (like pizza, casseroles, etc.) are foods that the don't eat well. Go figure. It's an everyday battle and an everyday worry.

Around 6:30 pm: If the kids need baths (they get one every other day), they start them after dinner. Matt usually bathes Cohen while I clean up the dining room and kitchen, then I bathe Emberlynn when Cohen is done. Kyden gets a bath later or in the morning.

7:00 pm: We usually aim to start nightly treatments around this time, and a little earlier if it's a TOBI month. The kids do their Vest therapy again. Once that's done, they start getting ready for bed. They get medications (each of them gets a Prevacid tablet, and Cohen also gets Claritin). Either Matt or myself gets Emberlynn's feeding tube ready, which requires setting up a bag on the feeding machine, pouring in the containers of formula, priming it, and getting other things we need together in order to get Emberlynn on her tube once she's in bed (a giant syringe, water, her extension, etc.). Emberlynn also gets enzymes before bed since she is on a feeding tube.

8:00-8:30 pm: Emberlynn and Cohen both go potty, get their teeth brushed, and we read either from the Bible or read a book before getting tucked in. Sometimes I am nursing Kyden and Matt gets them down, which also requires hooking Emberlynn up to her feeding tube; otherwise, Matt usually tucks Cohen in, and I take care of Emberlynn.

8:30-9:00 pm: This is about the time Kyden goes down; although, as I have already mentioned, he does not sleep for long stretches. He usually stirs and wakes when Matt and I go to bed, and he doesn't always go back to sleep easily.

9:00-10:00 pm: Matt and I have a little while to ourselves, during which we might catch up on a favorite show (thank goodness for DVR), play around on the computer for a little bit, do our daily couple's devotional, etc. We try to go to bed by ten since Matt gets up at 4:15 for work, and I am up constantly through the night with Kyden.

This is a typical day when I don't have anywhere to be, like an appointment or going grocery shopping or taking Emberlynn to a gymnastics class or whatever may come up. It's life, right? On those days, we adjust as needed to make it all work. It can be crazy, but it's our normal, and we really don't know any other life. Just don't take yours for granted.

The Memory Keepers

I have been following a blog written by another mom of three. What appeals to me the most is that she is super-hilarious, and reading her blog is just refreshing to me. She also has some great recipes, which also happen to be gluten-free (because of her middle child, daughter Lila), which are what brought me to her blog to begin with. Her most recent post sums up exactly how I feel about blogging. In short, she says that mothers "blog to tell our story. We are the memory keepers." This is so, so true. If people like to read my blog, that's fine. But it's more for myself and my family so that we can be able to read about things that happened years before, and when my kids are grown and I'm missing them at this age, I know I will appreciate this blog. You can read her full post here.

I really want to blog more, but there is the issue of time. I know you hear that from everyone: "I don't have time." And I'll admit, I do have the time, but I always seem to find something that needs to be done that takes precedence over blogging. Then the time gets away from me, and it's weeks and even months between blogs. I make a promise, even if it's only to myself, that I will blog more regularly, but the cycle restarts.

In my previous life when I was not a wife and mom (I say previous life because my carefree, single life was vastly different than it is now), I was a writer. When I wasn't working and going to school and hanging out with friends, writing was my hobby and favorite pasttime. It was my most intimate relationship, you could say. I could get lost in it for hours. Now writing is like an ex that I've never gotten over: out of my life, always thinking about it, and sometimes running into it and promising I will keep in touch even though I don't once we part ways again. Writing was what defined me, and now all that defines me is being someone's wife and someone's mom.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with every ounce of my being, and I absolutely adore and cherish my children. I would never trade the life I have now for any promises in the world. I am blessed beyond words to be able to stay at home with my kids and do all the things that come with the job of SAHM. But here's the thing: One day, it will all end. My kids will be grown, and my job will be done. Well, yes, I know I will always be a mom, but they won't need me in the same ways they do now. When the day comes that Matt and I are empty-nesters, I don't want to be left wondering what to do next.

But back to the point: I want to write again, even if it's just blogging a few lines each day, just to say, "Hey, Cohen had a snotty nose today and blew snot bubbles" or "Kyden laughed so hard at his brother's silly antics" or "Emberlynn read an entire book alone today." Or to blog about something besides my children, which sometimes seems impossible because they are essentially my life. My sister suggested doing a food blog, but because keeping up with one blog is challenging enough and having two might cause me to have an aneurysm, I will incorporate my cooking and baking adventures into this one.

And because duty calls (it's currently time for my older two kids' treatments), I will end this with a picture of, you guessed it, my adorable kiddos:

(Ignore the crazy-looking lady on the right, however. She's just there to hold up the adorable infant.)

Kite-flying

I can't say I'm surprised that we have had some unseasonable weather. This is Tennessee, after all, where we have had nineties in October and snow in April. We have had a mild January, with temps that make it feel more like Spring, and I have appreciated it for several reasons (not freezing, for one, followed by more outside time for the kids and lower heating bills!).

Since today was in the sixties, and it was a beautiful sunny day, the kids enjoyed some outdoor play time after lunch and again after nap time and school time (the boys nap and Emberlynn does her school work). It just so happens that Emberlynn is learning about air in science and how air pressure helps objects (like planes) stay in the air. We made paper air planes and flew them in the house, and I told Emberlynn that once we went outside after the boys woke up that we would fly a kite also. This would be the perfect day because there was a nice breeze to keep the kite up.

At first, she was confused and said, "But we can't fly a kite. It isn't Spring. It's Winter." If only the weather was as black and white as her assumption. I explained that it was a warm Winter day and that the weather was just right for kite-flying. She was SUPER excited, so much so that the minute Cohen sleepily walked out of his room after nap, she told him all about it and was telling him to get his shoes on. I had to make her wait since they needed to have snack time first.

Once outside and I got the kite assembled correctly (it took me a few minutes, as I have never actually assembled a kite, only flown one), I held the end of the kite and showed her how to hold the handle with the string and run until it started flying up. She and Cohen took turns, laughing every time it would crash. I think they were more thrilled with the crashing part than anything else. Cohen was the first one to keep it up the air, but I think he got bored with it just hanging out up there and wanted it to crash again. Emberlynn got it to stay up for a while during her next turn. I showed her how to give it more slack so that it would fly even higher.

I think they could have stayed outside all afternoon flying that dollar-store kite. I felt the same way, only I had to go do this important adult thing called making dinner. I was grateful for being able to experience their first times flying a kite.

I wish I had some pictures or, better yet, videos, of them flying the kite, but this was one of those times when being in the moment was more important than being behind the camera. I'm going to remember the looks on their faces and the joy in their laugh as they discovered the magic in the simplicity of flying a kite.

This may be my shortest blog ever

Just blogging to say that one of my "resolutions" (I say that for lack of a better word because I think "New Year's Resolutions" are one thing in society that sets people up to fail and feel like failures...but that's another post entirely) is to blog regularly. I've said this before, but if you know me at all and know what my life is like, I think people will cut me some slack. My goal is to blog once a week, or at least a few times a month. It's not so much for everyone else's interest so much as for my own record and benefit, plus writing has always been therapeutic for me.

But at this moment, there is a pretty awesome guy to whom I'm married who is ready to snuggle up with me and watch a movie, so I'm choosing him over blogging right now. He should feel pretty special. ;-)

Growin' Cohen

After a long day with plenty of ups and downs, I'm happy to end it with a positive blog. Cohen is finally back up in the "green zone" based on his BMI; he is now in the 50th percentile after having dropped pretty far below for nearly a year. The doctors were recommending a g-tube if we couldn't get his weight up soon, and they were really going to push it if this visit didn't show much improvement.

When he quit drinking Pediasure shortly after his third birthday, he lost close to a thousand calories a day (he was drinking 3 to 4 day, which equates to between 700 and 1000 a day). That's pretty substantial for a small child. Granted, he was eating food very well, but nothing that contained enough calories to make up for what the Pediasure was providing.

So over the last few months, we have been slowly getting him to drink more and more Pediasure, which has obviously been helping. I have been weighing him every week to monitor his growth. He put on two pounds alone over the last five weeks, so I knew going into clinic visit today that he would show a big difference from last time but didn't know if it would be enough to bump him to the 50th percentile or above.

Now we just have to maintain his weight and keep him at a steady increase. He is up to 1.5 containers of Pediasure a day, but our ultimate goal is 2 a day.

Both kids also had to get flu shots today. Not fun. Enough said.

Cohen had a routine chest x-ray following clinic. The x-ray allows the doctors to be able to see what's going on in his lungs better than just listening with a stethoscope.

Cohen also gave me a few good laughs today, which I wanted to share:

My sister Shauna was going to be coming along with us, so this morning when we arrived to pick her up and were waiting on her to come to the car, Cohen said quite theatrically, "Where is my lady?! Where is my lady Shauna?!" And when he saw her coming to the car, he announced, "There is my lady Shauna!" Too funny. I think he picked up "my lady" from Daddy, who has always called me his lady as a term of endearment.

Second, as we were waiting to be called back for Cohen's x-ray, he and Emberlynn met a new little friend in the waiting area. Cohen initiated a conversation with her, and his side went something like this: "How old are you?...I'm three....What's your name?...Oh, [little girl's name]? That's a great name...My name is Cohen....I have a brother...his name is Kyden...it's spelled K-Y-D-E-N..." A few minutes later, she had stopped playing with them and was looking sad about something, and Cohen ran over to me and said, "Mom! I think she is sad because I didn't hug her!"

And finally, for his chest x-ray, he was required to take his shirt off. So when it came time to put it back on, he told me, "It's ok, Mom. I'm fine without it." Needless to say, I explained why he had to put it back on, and he obliged. That's my silly boy!

The morning started out rocky (he wasn't the most cooperative boy at first when the nurse was trying to get his vitals and measurements), but it turned out ok. I have to remind myself that even though the kids know what to expect at every clinic visit and that it is something they have done countless times and will continue to do at least four times a year, they are still little and sometimes just don't feel like doing it. I can't blame them. I have those days, too, and I'm sure if I had to go through all the junk they go through at visits, I'd be a little crabby too.

The Chosen Mothers

I found this posted on a fellow CF mom's blog and wanted to share. Some days are hard when it comes to taking care of kids with special health needs, but I know that God chose me to be their mom for a reason. He entrusted them to me for as long as I am allowed to have them, and I would never, ever change that...

The Chosen Mothers by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?


Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."


Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But, does she have patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has it's own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you."

"No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them." She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side."

"And what about her patron Saint?" asks the angel. His pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

My Plate Overfloweth

As I type this, my three-year-old son Cohen (soon to be four...wow, where has the time gone...) is running around in his sister's dress up clothes, adorned in a purple skirt, a butterfly tiara, plastic high-heels, and a pair of sunglasses with one of the lenses missing. He is also golfing with a plastic golf club. It's quite a sight. I have many pictures of him dressed up in similar ways, which I'm sure he will totally appreciate in later years, especially when he starts dating.

Cohen has been struggling with his weight gain (or lack thereof) for nearly a year now, and the topic of a feeding tube has come up several times in the last few clinic visits (more about that in previous blogs, if you're interested). His next clinic visit is next week, only a month from the last visit because they want to see if his growth is progressing and to therefore determine what our next step will be (tube or no tube). So I have been weighing him every week since the last visit and am happy to report he has put on two pounds in just four weeks, which I think is pretty significant. I hope the docs will think so, too.

As many of you know, I took on the challenge of homeschooling my oldest, Emberlynn, a couple of months ago when she started kindergarten. She is enjoying it and picks up everything with ease, but sometimes I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew. We chose homeschooling because it was the most logical thing to do given the kids' treatment schedules; we felt she would have no life beyond school and treatments. She would have to get up very early every day and therefore go to bed very early at night (about seven p.m. to be able to get about ten hours). Between school, homework, dinner, treatments, and a normal bed routine (bath, brushing teeth, reading books), we didn't see how it would be possible to get it all done and her still have time to be a kid. Granted, there are plenty of CFers out there who do go to school and have similar routines, so I realize it can be done, but we felt like since I stay at home, it only seemed right to homeschool and free up time in her day for her to do other things (playing with her brother, going to gymnastics, etc.).

But I am admitting to everyone that my plate is just too full, and we have considered putting her in regular school next year (if not next year then the year after when Cohen goes to kindergarten so that they would be going together). Plus, part of me feels I am depriving Emberlynn of a lot of social opportunities that she would get if she was in an actual school around other kids. She really loved preschool, so I know she would do well in a school setting, but she also tells me she likes doing school at home.

I've really been at war with myself over this lately, wondering if we have made the right decision to homeschool. There are so many pros, but there are several cons, too, and I can't seem to ignore those. The bottom line is that I want my daughter to thrive and have the best life possible; I want this for all my kids, obviously. If I stop homeschooling, I will feel like I have failed in a way, but if I continue, I don't know that I can give it my all like I want to, which would not be by choice but because I am just not Supermom. And I can't do it all. And if you know me well, you know how hard it is for me to admit that. My husband tells me all the time that I can't do it all and am not expected to, but day in and day out, I beat myself up over stupid things that I feel like I should have gotten done, even if it's as petty as leaving dishes in the sink at night because I didn't get around to doing them.

What it comes down to is how my kids will see me as they look back when they are older. I don't want them to remember me as a crazy, stressed-out mom who felt like she had to do everything or would freak out. If that means I don't homeschool, then maybe I'm doing them a favor. For now, as they say, we will "keep on keeping on" and hope for the best.

"Tube" Be or Not "Tube" Be

A week ago today, the kids had a visit to Vandy for CF clinic. It's a time I generally dread, mostly because we are in for a long morning there (this time was three hours; our longest was around five). I try not to complain because they are a great group of health professionals who know and treat my kids well, but I'm sure most parents would agree that spending several hours at a doctor's office with nothing for the kids to do is not exactly ideal. This time, however, I brought the kids' portable DVD player and their lastest obsession, Disney's Tangled, to watch in the exam room since the majority of the visit is me speaking to the doctor/nurse/respiratory therapist/nutritionist/social worker/et cetera about how the kids are doing, their daily routines, their medications...the list goes on. Very little of it are the kids actually being "examined," so, needless to say, the DVD player was a lifesaver, and the kids were "tangled up" in Tangled. (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun.)

For the most part, their visit went well. Emberlynn had not gained much weight, but she has shot up in height over the last year, and her weight just hasn't quite caught up to that yet. Still, she is in about the 75th percentile for BMI, and as long as the kids are in the 50th or above, it's not a concern. Cohen, however, is only in the 31st; he was in the 22nd at his last visit, so there has been some improvement, but not much, even though he gained two pounds since his previous visit, which was the end of June. I thought gaining two pounds would have more of an impact, but my excitement was shot down when I learned it hadn't made much of a difference in his BMI.

If you have read previous posts, you will have read about Cohen's weight struggles (which have only been in the last eight months or so) and the suggestions we have received from the doctors and nutritionist to consider a g-tube. Emberlynn has a g-tube and has had one for four years now, so we are definitely not strangers to it, but we are worried about how Cohen will adjust to such a major change. Emberlynn was much younger and easy-going, so it was natural for her to be able to not notice a giant tube coming out of her stomach. Cohen, however, is almost four and would yank that tube out in a heartbeat, guaranteed, which is why Matt and I are reluctant to go through with the surgery. (We have been informed, however, that some surgeons there will place the button in immediately after surgery rather than the temporary hose-like contraption that Emberlynn had for the first several weeks. This will definitely help with our decision, should we decide to okay the surgery.)

The fact that Cohen has put on two pounds in two months, which is more than he has put on the entire year, gives me hope that he will catch up within a few months. He has been drinking his Pediasure, which I am sure is the primary source of his recent weight gain. Our goal is to get him up to two containers a day (currently, he drinks about one per day).

While all of Emberlynn's medications and dosages stayed the same, we are switching Cohen's antacid medication in hopes it will help the enzymes be more effective, which in turn helps him absorb more fats and nutrients from food, which therefore would lead to better weight gain. I also mentioned that Cohen has been sneezing a lot (every morning, he immediately starts sneezing when he wakes up and then sneezes throughout the day), so the doctor prescribed some Clarinex to help dry it up so that the drainage doesn't eventually become a problem in the lungs.

And while we are on the subject of the kids' growth, I will update you on Kyden as well. At his two-month check-up, he was in the 50th percentile for everything (height, weight, and head cirucumference), so he is right on track. He is currently outgrowing his 0-3 month clothes and size 1 diapers, something I am not used to at all (a fast-growing child) and is laughing (SUPER cute and heart-melting) and babbling a lot. He will lay in my lap and just talk and talk to me. He has also been trying to roll over. It's hard to believe that exactly just twelve weeks ago, he was a newborn baby taking his first breath.

We will be returning to Vandy on October 6 for a clinic visit for Cohen (mainly to check his weight) and for a routine chest x-ray. If his weight hasn't improved more, they will most likely push us a little more to do the g-tube surgery, but we feel that if he has made progress and continues to move up on the growth chart, then there is no need to do a g-tube just yet, if ever. Both kids return for a regular clinic visit on December 8, assuming they stay well (as in not coming down with any respiratory illness that would warrant a visit to Vandy). As fall and winter approach and flu season looms ahead, we always just pray for the best.

So Little Time

Where to begin? It's been months since I have posted; so long, in fact, that I'm too ashamed to even check when the last blog was posted. I constantly think to myself, "Hey, I need to blog about [insert topic here]," but then I never quite get around to it. For someone who used to consider herself a writer, this is very, very sad.

I could probably go on forever about everything that has happened over the last few months; however, I'll try to be brief, but I make no promises.

Most recently, my bouncing baby boy Kyden Isaiah was born on June 9, just eight days before my estimated due date. (My due date was also my birthday, so I'm glad he came sooner so that we could keep our birthdays to ourselves.) I did not go into labor on my own, nor did my water break beforehand. At 35 weeks, I was dilated to two, then to 3 at 37 weeks, and then 4 at 38 weeks. My doctor was convinced I wasn't going to make it even to my 38th week prenatal visit, so when I showed up to my 39-week visit, he was surprised to see my waddling in, still pregnant. After my examination showed I was past 5 cm and almost completely effaced, he decided to admit me that day (which made me do cartwheels inside) and break my water. Seven hours and 45 minutes later, after a completely drug-free birth, my baby boy was born at 11:15 pm weighing 7 pounds, 3 ounces and measuring 18 1/2 inches long. I was totally in love; there went another piece of my heart, stolen by another precious gift from God. I thought I couldn't love another little boy like I love Cohen, but I was so wrong. The love just grows.

The million-dollar question everyone was wondering about my entire pregnancy was whether Kyden would have CF like his older siblings. We prayed he would be healthy, but I was worried anyway, though I tried not to show it. His blood was drawn at Vandy and sent to a lab for DNA testing, and three weeks later, on July 20 (five days shy of the five-year anniversary of Emberlynn being diagnosed with CF), we found out that Kyden does NOT have CF. (He is, however, a carrier, but the only way this will affect him is if he has children with another carrier.) I received the call as I was driving to a doctor appointment, and I won't ever forget the feeling of relief that surged through my body and the tears I cried. I kept saying out loud, "He's ok. He's ok." I just couldn't believe it; I have a healthy baby.

I'll be honest, though. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, like they are going to call me and say, "Oh, we made a mistake...he actually DOES have CF." I have become so accustomed to having children with a disease that I have it ingrained in my mind that Matt and I can't have healthy children. It sounds terrible that I would think that, but I don't know what it's like to have a child with no health problems. I don't know what it's like to have a child gain weight normally who doesn't have to take medications constantly or have daily therapies; I don't know what it's like not freaking out inside when my child starts to show signs of sickness that could land them in the hospital and irreversibly damage their lungs. I know I should stop thinking all this craziness and just revel in the fact that my child is healthy and enjoy every little moment with him, but this is such new territory for me, and I have to retrain my brain, I suppose. And, as my friend Nikki reminded me, I have to remember to take it one day at a time and not worry about what may become.

Right now, Kyden is eight weeks old and such a joy, I can't even put it into words. He melts my heart just by looking at him, and despite being sleep-deprived and spread so thin most days, I am loving having three kids and am so glad we decided to let our family grow. Kyden fits right in. Emberlynn and Cohen absolutely adore him, and they have not shown a speck of jealously. I was initially worried that Cohen would have a difficult time adjusting since he has a) been the baby for three and a half years and b) is a big Mommy's boy, but he thinks Kyden is totally awesome and can't get enough of him. We actually have to tell the kids to back off a little sometimes because they can be a bit TOO loving at times, but all in all, it's wonderful knowing how much they love having a baby brother.

Emberlynn is five and a half and is officially a kindergartener. We decided a couple of years ago that I would be homeschooling the kids, hopefully at least through elementary school. So this week, we completed our second week of homeschooling. Emberlynn looks forward to it each day and has been doing very well. I must brag about my daughter for a moment, though: She is very intelligent and already knows most of the kindergarten cirruculum standards, and if she could "test out" of it, I'm sure she would with flying colors, but she is enjoying all the activities we have been doing and picking up on new information very quickly. I love being able to teach her and experience it with her.

Health-wise, Emberlynn has been doing well. I think she's had one cold in the last year and maybe one virus, so overall, she has stayed pretty healthy. I always get worried when winter comes around with all the flu and cold possiblities, so in a few months, I'll be biting my nails that praying that my kids won't get sick enough to warrant a hospital visit.

My "big little man" Cohen has been doing ok as far as his health goes, expect for his lack of weight gain over the last several months. They have expressed concern at CF clinic, and though he is not in the "red zone" (green zone is where they want CFers to be, yellow zone is a "cautionary" zone, which is where he is right now, and the red zone means action needs to be taken to improve their health), they are worried he will continue to grow in height but not gain weight. He eats well, but around his third birthday, he quit drinking Pediasure, which was a major source of calories in his diet. (One container of Pedisure has 237 calories, and he was drinking three to four containers a day). So essentially, he lost about 700-950 calories a day, which is a big deal. The only beverages he will drink are water or tea. He has never liked juice, so the high-calorie juice-like drinks we have tried are a no-go. He won't even drink regular milk, so we can't even get the extra calories in there. I add calories where I can (adding butter, cream, and cheese to certain foods he eats), and he eats three meals plus two snacks a day, but his weight just won't budge. He's pretty much at a "plateau", and we are constantly trying to come up with ideas. Recently, I have been able to get him to drink Pediasure using what I can not call anything else but bribery, I'll admit. He loves tea, and although he is not allowed to have very much each day anyway, he is not allowed to have any unless he drinks a certain amount of Pediasure. Though I am not proud of my method, it has worked, and he has been drinking a container of Pediasure a day, which at least gives him almost 250 extra calories.

If Cohen does not start gaining weight, and he starts dropping on the growth chart and falling into the "red zone", there have already been discussions about g-tube placement so that we can give him high-calorie supplements in overnight feeds, which is what we have done with Emberlynn since she was eighteen months old. I absolutely refuse to go that route unless it's necessary. I want it to be a last resort. I know my son, and he will not be easy-going with having a huge tube coming out of his stomach post-surgery; he would totally rip that thing out. And beyond the surgery and recovery, he would have a very difficult time adjusting to being connected to a feeding tube every night. It was easier for Emberlynn because she was so young and still had such a "go with the flow" attitude. Cohen is three and would be very defiant with something like that. So when I say it has to be a last resort, I am not wavering. We will do all within our power to help him get back on track with his weight gain sans that g-tube.

Emberlynn and Cohen's next clinic visit is August 25th, so I will try to post about that to give an update on weight checks, etc.

I'm hoping this gives a good enough update on what's been going on with us over these last many months. I've promised myself to blog more often, but I'm really now sure how well I'll be able to stick to it. Once a month would be ideal, but I guess we'll see.