The Turning Point in the Tragedy

My recent miscarriage, though tragic and life-changing, was an unexpected reminder than I need to take care of myself.  Was my miscarriage my fault?  Not at all.  Was there anything I could have done differently to prevent it?  No, at least not according to research.  But it still made me think about the fact that in order to give a baby the best possible chance to grow, I have to make sure I'm being as healthy as I can be.

I don't expect or even desire to lose a ton of weight over the next few weeks and months.  Why would I want to when I know we'll want to try again to get pregnant in the near future?  I lost nearly fifty pounds before conceiving my third child and still have about twenty pounds to go before I get back to that pre-pregnancy weight.  I even exercised regularly all through that pregnancy (and didn't with my first two), but finding the time and the motivation after having three children has been the issue.  I'll admit it:  I am completely spent most days, so the thought of exercising is not appealing much of the time.  I always feel awesome afterward physically, and mentally I feel accomplished, but actually making myself do it feels like just another chore I have to get done during my already jam-packed days.

So I'm just making small changes and am aiming to lose about ten pounds by Halloween.  I'm slowly phasing caffeine and excess sugar from my diet (and if you know me, you know how much I love my sweet tea, which has both).  I know it's going to make me healthier in the long run and also create a more ideal place in which a baby can grow once Matt and I feel the time is right to try again.  I'm not going to get crazy with the exercise (like doing CrossFit with my husband, which has  helped trim him down and build up his muscle) because I don't want to burn myself out.  For now, I'm just going to do regular walking (and maybe some jogging and *gasp* a little bit of running), and I'll rely on my treadmill a lot of the time.  I may throw in some water aerobics classes here and there at our local civic center when I can go because I genuinely enjoy it, and it is a great calorie-burner.

Aside from the physical aspects, exercise has been a great benefit mentally and emotionally.  My moods are better overall when I exercise regularly, so I know it will help me get through the grief of the miscarriage that much better.

I pray I will be able to come back here and post the first of November to share if I have met (or maybe even exceeded) my goal.  And if you've recently been through a miscarriage yourself, or any tragedy, for that matter, try to find something positive to focus on that will help keep your mind busy.  It won't make you forget--nothing will--but I believe in the long run, doing something good that stemmed from an unhappy experience is probably not a bad thing.

April Clinic and the Kiddos

First, I want to say how much I appreciate everyone's prayers and concerns for Cohen (and for all three kids, for that matter) as we approached his and Emberlynn's recent clinic visit, which was last Thursday.  Matt requested the day off when I made the appointment so that if the decision on the feeding tube surgery needed to be made, he would already be there with me.  My sister Shauna graciously watched Kyden for us (a big thanks to her!) since he is now walking and would have had to be cooped up in a small exam room for two and a half hours, not to mention it gave Matt and me a chance to be able to focus just on Emberlynn and Cohen and talk to the nurses and doctors with minimal interruption. 

In short, the biggest issue for Emberlynn and Cohen is and always has been their weights, or more specifically, their BMIs.  They are supposed to be at or above the 50th percentile for BMI; poor weight gain and maitenance can be detrimental to their health because it affects lung function.  For Emberlynn, the feeding tube helps tremendously by giving her extra calories via overnight feeds.  We are not strangers to this, given that Emberlynn has had her g-tube for nearly five years now.

Cohen, as he has grown taller and gotten more active, has had trouble maintaining an "acceptable" BMI.  He is not unhealthy or undernourished, and I have seen far skinnier kids, but those kids don't have CF, so it's not so much a concern for them.  We have spent the last couple of months trying our best to "fluff" Cohen up (a term my friend Emily uses, which I kinda love) with extra calories in his meals and snacks plus supplementing with Pediasure and Boost Kids.  I have weighed him every week, sometimes several times a week, especially during the last couple of weeks leading up to this last visit.  He had put on two pounds, which was our goal, and then a week before the appointment, he got a virus (which Emberlynn and Kyden also picked up shortly thereafter).  Go figure that the virus lasted a week and completely wiped out his appetite.  He barely ate or drank, which caused him to drop over a pound.  Once weighed at the clinic, it showed he had gained about a pound since his previous visit, which was not stellar but a step in the right direction, at least.  It bumped him from the 33rd to the 41st percentile, which isn't too shabby, in my opinion.  If he hadn't gotten sick, he would have been back above the 50th percentile.  (The doctor actually asked me if Cohen could be faking sick since Emberlynn was also sick, but I told him Cohen was the one who was sick first, and no, he wasn't faking it.  And as  his parents, I think we would know.  Sheesh.)  Most importantly, we were able to "shelve" the feeding tube conversation for now. 

As for Emberlynn, she lost a little bit of weight, but she also had the same virus as Cohen, causing her to have no appetite whatsoever (her appetite is not that great to begin with).  We couldn't even use the feeding tube to help make up for everything because it was making her throw up.  So now that she is over the funk, we are playing "catch-up" by putting her on her feeding tube six nights a week as opposed to five nights (per her dietician's instructions), which is what we have been doing for some time now.

Emberlynn and Cohen will have another clinic visit in two months instead of the normal three months to make sure their weight gain is good.  As long as we can avoid another hiccup (like a week-long virus), I am optimistic they will receive good reports.

And now we come to Ky-Ky, who is growing up way too fast (you'd think I'd be used to that, right?).  Yesterday, as I was browsing the dollar store, I found monkey-themed birthday party stuff, so I bought it for him seeing as his birthday is one month away.  One month away!  I mean, seriously, wasn't he just in my belly?  Now he is walking(and running) and talking (he says "Dad", "Daddy", and "Hi")  and eating whole bananas (since he refuses to eat it if I cut it into small pieces), among other "big boy" things.  (But I sure would love if he learned this "big boy" thing called sleeping through the night.  That would  be awesome.)  He is also still nursing, which is fine for now,  but once he turns a year old, I'm afraid he won't be too keen on stopping.  He loves the boobies, what can I say?  But I suppose we will cross that bridge when we come to it, as they say.

Calories=The Enemy

Earlier today I was craving a glass of chocolate milk. I have the ingredients in the fridge: 1% milk and chocolate syrup. But immediately, I thought, "Well, that's like 200 extra calories I can avoid today just by not drinking that."

In a way, it's good that I think this way because I am aware of what I'm ingesting and the consequences of choosing to eat or drink a certain thing. In another way, I hate it because I wish I did not have to be so conscious of it. There are so many thin people who are just naturally that way and seem to eat whatever they want without blinking an eye. (I can't help but secretly somewhat despise them.) On the other hand, sometimes I just don't care. I know what's in it, I know it's bad for me, but darn it, I just want to eat it!

I read all these articles on finding the root of why we overeat. Some people are "emotional" eaters who eat their feelings, whether it's because they had a crummy childhood or whatever. I've searched and searched, and all I can come up with is that my relationship with food has nothing to do with emotion, unless the emotion is love. Who doesn't love having their favorite dessert? I love chocolate, and I don't think I could ever completely give it up. Certainly, there are other foods that cause my weight issues that I could probably give up, but sometimes it's just about convenience or budget or whatever.

If I was a thin person, I don't think anyone would think this is all a big deal. But because I'm heavier, I know people think, "Should you really eat that?" or "Yeah, you probably should count calories."

I have come a long way in the past few years as far as changing my eating habits. It hasn't been dieting, it's been lifestyle changes. More veggies, fruits, and whole grains. Less empty calories. Lots of water. Sodas only sparingly.

This blog is to document my journey through weight loss, to be able to share my thoughts and feelings, frustrations and rants, and triumphs and accomplishments. Although I am not comfortable enough sharing my weight, I will say that my goal is to ultimately be 70 pounds lighter. Feel free to share advice and encouragements, but please do not, under any circumstances, discourage me in anything I do or don't do. There's no room for that.