Our Fun Fall Memories

I love Fall for many reasons. I love how the weather cools down after the inevitable humid Tennessee Summer. I love how all the green turns to hues of yellows, oranges, reds, and browns. I love digging out the clothing saved for cooler weather.

Since I have had my kids, I now look forward to kid-friendly activities, including visiting the pumpkin patch. We went to Bottom View Farm one October weekend last year, but this year, Cohen and I went with Emberlynn and other kids, parents, and teachers from her preschool to the farm. Emberlynn was very much looking forward to going to the pumpkin patch. On the morning of the field trip, I went into her room and asked her if she remembered where we were going, and she excitedly replied, "The pumpkin patch!"

Although Cohen was not in his best spirits during our time there, Emberlynn did not let that stop her from having a fantastic time. She loved riding on the tractor-pulled hay ride that took us to the pumpkin patch. She browsed the patch and picked a pumpkin and also helped her brother find one for himself. After the hay ride, we went on the train ride the farm provides. Emberlynn wanted to ride in the green box car because green has apparently become her favorite color. Both kids really enjoyed this part; the train goes around the farm, and we got to see the various fields of different fruits and vegetables. The farm also has a corn maze, a tricycle track, animals, a "corn crib" (which is like a ball pit but with corn kernels!), and a giant slide. I was sure Emberlynn wouldn't want to go down the slide by herself, if at all, but she climbed the steps up and went down alone! I was so amazed! She went down 2 more times after that, and then we had to go because her brother was being quite uncooperative (to put it nicely).

We put our 3 little pumpkins on our front porch, and every time the kids have seen them, Cohen yells, "Punkins!" with great enthusiasm, and Emberlynn will start talking about when we went to the pumpkin patch. I hope this is something they will look forward to and enjoy for years to come; I know I'll never grow tired of it.

The New Birthday Cake

I realized earlier my birthday is a week from today. I will be 25, but oh my, that is another blog entirely. Birthdays are days to celebrate, and we usually do that with food. I'm sure I won't have to worry about anyone making me a birthday cake, but we are supposed to go out to dinner. The thought that keeps popping into my mind is, "Where is somewhere we can go where I can eat something I enjoy but still eat healthy?" I know I can just eat a good salad pretty much anywhere we go, but let's face it, I am kind of cheating myself on my birthday by not having whatever I want and not caring. On the other hand, though, maybe it is my gift to myself to eat well and feel good knowing I made a good choice and not a bad one to make me feel guilty later.

So I guess this year, salad will be the new birthday dinner, and something good like a fruit salad (bring on those strawberries!) will be the new birthday cake. It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to...or in this case, I'll crave if I want to.

Craving the Good Stuff

Thumbing through the Kroger sale paper on Sunday as I prepared my grocery list and dinner menu for the week, I noticed they had strawberries on sale for $1.50 per container. I like strawberries, but I am sometimes reluctant to buy them because I have had occasions where they were sour or just not very sweet and therefore not satisfying. Once I saw them, however, and started thinking about them, I started craving them.

I went grocery shopping today at Kroger, and one of the items on my list was, you guessed it, strawberries. They smelled amazingly delectable, and I think I may have stood there smelling them a bit too long, thereby weirding out my fellow shoppers who were meandering close by. I even had Emberlynn smell them; she obliged and then wanted to hold them all through the store.

As soon as I got home and unloaded the groceries, I just had to taste one of them. I washed one off in the sink, took a bite, and wow....soooooo good. The best strawberry I have had in a while. Now I'm looking forward to having some with breakfast in the morning.

And I don't have to feel guilty, which might be the best part.

Calories=The Enemy

Earlier today I was craving a glass of chocolate milk. I have the ingredients in the fridge: 1% milk and chocolate syrup. But immediately, I thought, "Well, that's like 200 extra calories I can avoid today just by not drinking that."

In a way, it's good that I think this way because I am aware of what I'm ingesting and the consequences of choosing to eat or drink a certain thing. In another way, I hate it because I wish I did not have to be so conscious of it. There are so many thin people who are just naturally that way and seem to eat whatever they want without blinking an eye. (I can't help but secretly somewhat despise them.) On the other hand, sometimes I just don't care. I know what's in it, I know it's bad for me, but darn it, I just want to eat it!

I read all these articles on finding the root of why we overeat. Some people are "emotional" eaters who eat their feelings, whether it's because they had a crummy childhood or whatever. I've searched and searched, and all I can come up with is that my relationship with food has nothing to do with emotion, unless the emotion is love. Who doesn't love having their favorite dessert? I love chocolate, and I don't think I could ever completely give it up. Certainly, there are other foods that cause my weight issues that I could probably give up, but sometimes it's just about convenience or budget or whatever.

If I was a thin person, I don't think anyone would think this is all a big deal. But because I'm heavier, I know people think, "Should you really eat that?" or "Yeah, you probably should count calories."

I have come a long way in the past few years as far as changing my eating habits. It hasn't been dieting, it's been lifestyle changes. More veggies, fruits, and whole grains. Less empty calories. Lots of water. Sodas only sparingly.

This blog is to document my journey through weight loss, to be able to share my thoughts and feelings, frustrations and rants, and triumphs and accomplishments. Although I am not comfortable enough sharing my weight, I will say that my goal is to ultimately be 70 pounds lighter. Feel free to share advice and encouragements, but please do not, under any circumstances, discourage me in anything I do or don't do. There's no room for that.

It's been a while

For someone who loves to write, I sure have been a lazy blogger. I don't even know when the last time I blogged was; I suppose I could have checked before starting this, but oh, well.

So I think I'll start by talking about my kids. Big surprise, right? They are my universe. Emberlynn turned 3 in February. She is my goofy and gorgeous girl who makes me laugh every day and who probably has a higher I.Q. than I do. I am amazed at how smart she is, so I must brag. The girl knows her entire alphabet, can recognize all the letters (uppercase and lowercase), and can tell you examples of words that begin with certain letters (i.e., a is for apple and airplane...). She can count into the seventies and recognizes numbers into the twenties. She knows all her colors and shapes (even pentagon and octagon, people). She has a love for reading, a love we both share, and she could read for hours. Aside from her brilliance :o), she is a wonderful big sister who shares with her brother (as much as you would expect a 3-year-old to share, anyway) and shows such warmth and empathy with him. I realize they will fight as brothers and sisters do, and more so as they get older, but I am grateful they are close in age and can play together so well. I love seeing them together, making each other laugh and just being siblings. Cohen, who is 16 months old now, is a big bundle of energy and smiles more than any kid I've ever seen. His whole face lights up when he smiles, and he melts my heart. I love his hugs and wish I could bottle them so that I could always have them because as he grow older, I know the hugs will be fewer. I never thought I could love a little boy so much. He is loving and friendly and silly, and I love everything about him. He seems to be developing a love of books just like his big sister, and he follows her around and learns so much from her.

I could go on and on about my kids. But now I'll move onto my husband. Matt wants to go to school and get a college education. I want that for him, too, but with him working full time, he wouldn't have a lot of family time if he tacked school onto that. I think he has decided to hold off for a while, but I guess I feel like I have prevented him from following that path. He had to withdraw his enrollment from college when I became pregnant with Emberlynn in 2005 so that he could work full time to help support us. He chose us over his education. He put his family first from the very beginning, but I've always worried he would eventually resent me for it. He says he doesn't, but I still feel that there is some resentment there. I, myself, would like to finish my college education and get my 4-year degree, but I know my purpose right now is to take care of my children. They and and their health are more important than anything else.

So...I could go on about this and that, but it's getting late, and I'm getting sleepy and therefore somewhat delirious.

Ten things I've realized so far this year...all 10 days of it

1. I am not destined to be a fat person my whole life. I can lose weight if I put my mind to it. I've lost 5 pounds so far, and I have the motivation to keep going.

2. My daughter will be 3 soon, and that blows my mind. It doesn't seem that long ago she was this little being growing inside me who I could not wait to meet and hold and love forever.

3. My son is a toddler now. He's still technically a baby, I suppose, but a toddler nonetheless. I'll never forget the moment he was born and I was mesmerized by how beautiful he was.

4. My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate our third anniversary. It doesn't seem like that many years, but we have been through more than our fair share: the birth of 2 children, our children both being diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, buying our first home, and all the normal challenges couples face. Through all the ups and downs, we are still going strong and love each other probably more than we did when we got married.

5. My little sisters are teenagers, full of angst and a tiny bit of rebellion. Shauna will be nineteen next week, and she will have one more year of being a teenager before she hits her twenties. Now THAT makes me feel old because I remember holding her when she was born when I was five. Kelsey is fourteen and just went on her first date, has her first boyfriend, and was elected to homecoming court. I always knew she'd be pretty, but the girl is drop dead gorgeous. Fortunately for her, I don't think she realizes that and isn't vain about it.

6. My little brother will be 10 the day after I turn 25 (...25! That's a completely different blog right there, lol), and those of you who know him know he has his fair share of issues related to his disability, but all in all, he is an amazing boy with a heart bigger than most people's. I can see the love and tenderness in his eyes when he is around Emberlynn and Cohen because he just loves them so much.

7. I am beyond blessed to be able to be a stay-at-home mom. It gives my children a stable and constant environment, and it keeps them healthier to not be in daycare or around a lot of other people all the time. Although my patience is often tested, I would not trade this for anything.

8. I have the most amazing friends, without which I would probably lose my mind over a lot of things. My amazing friends know who they are without mention.

9. I have not worked on my writing in who knows how long, and not doing that has caused a big piece of me to vanish. I want that piece back.

10. "New Moon", the second installment in the "Twilight" series, comes out in November, and I can't wait. I'm a Twilightaholic. Or a Twerd. Either one works.

And so this is Christmas

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I can't wait for Christmas music to start playing on the radio. I love seeing decorations and lights everywhere. I love the feeling of joy and peace in the air. I just love the whole season. It makes me feel like the world is good, even if the feeling only lasts a short time.

Last year, my son was born four days before Christmas. Although I was ready for him to arrive, I was in no way prepared for the aftermath. I'm not talking about going from having one child to two. I'm talking about the postpartum depression I went through. It was absolutely awful, and I never want to experience anything like that again. It was the lowest and darkest part of my life, hands down.

Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed to have my son, and I never allowed the way I felt interfere with taking care of him or Emberlynn. If anything, I was more caring because I wanted them both to feel loved despite my condition.

Christmas day came, and since I was so down, it was a horrible day. I cried all day. Little things--random things--would set me off. Someone could merely just hug me and say, "Merry Christmas!" and I would burst into tears. I hated that everyone had to see me that way, and I felt like I was ruining everyone else's day. It's supposed to be a day full of smiles and happiness and joy, and I just didn't feel any of it. I was hoping it would raise my spirits and make me less depressed, but if anything, it made me feel worse.

Everyone has a most memorable Christmas. Last year was mine; so I guess not everyone's is necessarily a happy memory.

This year, I know Christmas day won't be like that for me. I've gotten over the postpartum (mostly) and am looking forward to having a wonderful day with my husband and two amazing children. Emberlynn is more into Christmas and Santa and the whole shebang this year, and Cohen is old enough to enjoy it a little more (as opposed to being only 4 days old last year). We'll listen to the Christmas music on the radio, and I'll be singing along with a smile instead of bursting into tears. I will feel at peace rather than full of despair. Best of all, the world will be a good place, and the everyday struggles of life will disappear, just for that short time.

Merry Christmas to all. May you, too, feel the peace and joy that surrounds us.

Cohen's Story

I realized I have not yet posted a blog about Cohen as far as how he was diagnosed with CF. I meant to do this several weeks ago when we were raising money for CFF. I still want to share it with those who may or may not know the story.

Because Matt and I each carry a defective gene for CF, every child we have has a 1 in 4 chance of having the disease. We, of course, did not know we carried the genes until after we had Emberlynn and she was diagnosed with CF because a person can only have the disease if both parents are carriers. It’s just like if we each carried a recessive gene for blue eyes; we don’t have blue eyes, but our children could potentially have blue eyes (and, incidentally, Emberlynn does have blue eyes).

It broke my heart knowing these odds. Matt and I knew we wanted more children. I could not bare the thought of thinking I would never have another child because we let the chances of them having this disease stop us. We talked about having another child soon after Emberlynn turned one. We decided that even though there was a chance of having another child with CF, we would be prepared for it and would at least be well-versed in the disease.

I found out I was expecting in April and was given a due date of January 1st. From the beginning, I suspected I was having a boy, which was exciting. It would be wonderful to have both a daughter and a son, and I looked forward to the different challenges of a boy as opposed to a girl.

For the duration of my pregnancy, the thought of the CF possibility was always firmly implanted in my mind, but I tried to stay positive. Family and friends remained optimistic, so I tried to feed off that.

My beautiful son Cohen Micah was born December 21, 2007. He was by far the most beautiful baby boy I have ever laid eyes on. His head was full of dark, silky hair, and his eyes were a deep blue. I kept saying to Matt, “Isn’t he beautiful?” He was absolutely perfect.

We were not able to have him tested in the hospital, so I had to schedule an appointment at Vanderbilt to have them draw blood to do a genetic test. Because Emberlynn has CF, they know the exact genes they would need to look for in the DNA, so a sweat test would be unnecessary to test him. In mid-January, when he was three weeks old, we had the blood drawn. I was told it would take anywhere from two to four weeks to have the results back.

Even though I was a bundle of nerves waiting for the results to come back, I was trying to stay positive. Cohen was steadily gaining weight (as opposed to Emberlynn, who struggled with weight gain from the very beginning), so I told myself it was a sign that he may not have it. But there was this ever-present fear that he was not fine. I tried to suppress it, but it was always there.

On the afternoon of Wednesday, February 6, Matt and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. Cohen was sleeping soundly on Matt’s chest, and my phone rang. I recognized the number as a Vanderbilt number, and I was immediately tense. When I answered, it was a nurse who calmly explained that Cohen’s results had come back and were the same as Emberlynn’s, which meant he, too, had CF.

As soon as I hung up with the nurse, I broke down in hysterics. Matt knew how the conversation had gone without my explaining anything. I took Cohen from him and pulled my baby boy close to me, as if holding him and whispering how sorry I was could somehow take it away.

I kept saying to Matt, “What have we done to our babies?” I felt guilty that we brought another child into the world knowing what the consequences could be. I just wanted to take it away from him and Emberlynn and for me to be the one who would have to suffer through life instead of them.

Even though I told myself from the beginning of the pregnancy that I would be prepared and I would be able to handle it, no amount of convincing can ever prepare you to hear news like that all over again. I felt like I was back in the exam room at Vanderbilt the day Emberlynn was diagnosed. It was like a recurring nightmare from which you wake up screaming.

And here we are now. Cohen is nearly a year old, which I can barely get my mind around. He is, without a doubt, a mommy’s boy, which is fine by me. I love his big, contagious grin, his belly laughs, his funny faces, the crazy sounds he makes--I can’t get enough of him. I would not trade my son or anything about him.

Having two children with CF is very difficult. Matt and I are responsible not only for the normal things parents do but also for keeping our children as healthy as we can by doing therapies and treatments for them. We have good days and bad days. Most days go by and I just go with it, not knowing a life any different. But there are some days I just cry because the reality of it all rips my heart to shreds. My children have a disease that can and will most likely take their life one day. And if you have children, you know that having something like that in the back of your mind will eat at you.

I have never been angry with God. I am extremely blessed to have my children, and I suppose God felt I could handle this kind of thing. I will admit I have questioned Him, but most of the time, I just pray that He keeps His hand over my children and to give me the strength to carry on and to help me be a good mom to my children. I hope when they get older that they can sincerely say that I did okay. Because I’m really trying.  I’m doing the best I can.

Emberlynn's Story

Most of you have heard this before, and Lord knows I've told so many people that the words just tumble out like a rehearsed scene. But because we are trying to raise money for the CF Foundation and are trying to educate people on this disease, I thought I would first start by sharing when CF became a major part of our lives.

Emberlynn was born beautiful and healthy, weighing in at 7 lbs, 2 ounces and measuring 18 1/2 inches long. She was perfect in mine and Matt's eyes. She was our first baby, our precious little girl, and she instantly brought joy to our lives.

At her two-week check-up, she was still a mere 6 1/2 lbs. All babies lose weight when they are born but are expected to regain the weight and reach their birth weight again by 2 weeks. Emberlynn was breastfed, and the pediatrician explained that sometimes breastfed babies took longer than others to regain the weight. The following week when we revisited the pediatrician for a weight check, Emberlynn did not fare much better.

Every week for several weeks, we had to have weight checks at the doctor's office. Emberlynn's weight slowly crept up, but merely a couple of ounces at a time. The pediatrician suggested it was possible my breast milk did not have enough calories, so we began supplementing. Emberlynn put on weight somewhat faster, but it was still a very slow process. She finally reached her birth weight by 9 weeks. She was tiny and had 'chicken legs.'

Over the next couple of months, her weight still just barely increased. At one point, I had mentioned to the pediatrician that I had a cousin who had Cystic Fibrosis, and I knew that poor weight gain (failure to thrive), was a sympton. Since Emberlynn did not appear to have any other symptoms (i.e. respiratory problems), she said it was unlikely that CF was the cause.

In late June, the pediatrician finally decided to send Emberlynn to be tested for CF at Vanderbilt. The appointment was made for late July, and I was somewhat nervous but told myself it would be fine. The pediatrician was optimistic, so I felt like I should be, too.

On July 24th, Emberlynn had a 'sweat test,' which measures the level of salt in the sweat. High levels of salt indicate CF (people with CF lose more salt through their sweat glands than the average person). The results were back that day, and they were worrisome. They tested her again the following day, July 25th (they do a second if the first is abnormal), and the results were the same. When the pulmonary doctor at Vanderbilt walked in the exam room with a solemn look, I broke down. I knew a lot about CF because my cousin had it (she passed away from it a few years ago), and I was devastated to hear my own child had this life-threatening disease. I remember the doctor saying, 'Yes, she has CF. Yes, it is distressing. But all the hopes and dreams you have for her will still happen.' I carry his words with me and try to think about them when I am hit with the reality of my children's conditions.

Fast-forward just over two years later, and Emberlynn is a happy, well-adjusted, loving, and thriving two-and-a-half-year-old little girl. A lot has happened since she was diagnosed, some good, some ugly, but she is doing well despite the disease, and it is all we can ask for.

I will continue to post more about our struggles and our triumphs with this disease with both children. I will post Cohen's story about how he was diagnosed and how we were a bit more prepared since we knew it was a possibility. I want everyone to know and understand how CF affects peoples' lives and be more open and willing to donate to this cause.

Time

I feel very "out of the loop." I have friends I don't get to talk to or see much because life is so hectic. And when I do get some down time, I just want to spend it with my husband and kids. I want to relish in the normal parts of life because so much of mine and Matt's and the kids' life together is so, well, not normal. I get so upset when people don't seem to understand that. Some people don't realize we can't just drop everything and do whatever.

I am relieved, however, to announce that I will be leaving my job at the beginning of August to stay at home to devote my time to my children. I have wanted this for a long time, and we have finally worked it out. My wonderful husband has been extremely supportive of this; he feels I belong at home with our kids as well. Being at home will allow me to take care of all their medical needs and be able to have quality time with them instead of having to rush around every day trying to get ready for work and then going to work all day and coming home late just to have to make dinner and get the kids ready for bed. Each day that passes is one day gone of their childhood. They don't stay like this forever, and it pains me thinking of all the moments I am missing being away from them like I am. It melts my heart when I walk in from work and Emberlynn runs to me, yelling, "Mommy! Mommy!" and Cohen sees me and gets excited and starts fussing until I go pick him up and hold him tight.

I'll miss my job and being able to have adult interaction during the day, but my kids are worth it, and this time with them is precious. I am so blessed to have this opportunity. There are so many moms who want to stay home who can't. So even though I know it won't always be blissful being with two small children all day long, I'll remember to still be grateful to have the opportunity so many others don't.

Maybe once I stay home and things settle down for us, we will be able to see more of our friends and family we are slowly losing touch with. It makes me sad, but we are not doing it on purpose, and I hope everyone understands that.