Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I can't wait for Christmas music to start playing on the radio. I love seeing decorations and lights everywhere. I love the feeling of joy and peace in the air. I just love the whole season. It makes me feel like the world is good, even if the feeling only lasts a short time.
Last year, my son was born four days before Christmas. Although I was ready for him to arrive, I was in no way prepared for the aftermath. I'm not talking about going from having one child to two. I'm talking about the postpartum depression I went through. It was absolutely awful, and I never want to experience anything like that again. It was the lowest and darkest part of my life, hands down.
Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed to have my son, and I never allowed the way I felt interfere with taking care of him or Emberlynn. If anything, I was more caring because I wanted them both to feel loved despite my condition.
Christmas day came, and since I was so down, it was a horrible day. I cried all day. Little things--random things--would set me off. Someone could merely just hug me and say, "Merry Christmas!" and I would burst into tears. I hated that everyone had to see me that way, and I felt like I was ruining everyone else's day. It's supposed to be a day full of smiles and happiness and joy, and I just didn't feel any of it. I was hoping it would raise my spirits and make me less depressed, but if anything, it made me feel worse.
Everyone has a most memorable Christmas. Last year was mine; so I guess not everyone's is necessarily a happy memory.
This year, I know Christmas day won't be like that for me. I've gotten over the postpartum (mostly) and am looking forward to having a wonderful day with my husband and two amazing children. Emberlynn is more into Christmas and Santa and the whole shebang this year, and Cohen is old enough to enjoy it a little more (as opposed to being only 4 days old last year). We'll listen to the Christmas music on the radio, and I'll be singing along with a smile instead of bursting into tears. I will feel at peace rather than full of despair. Best of all, the world will be a good place, and the everyday struggles of life will disappear, just for that short time.
Merry Christmas to all. May you, too, feel the peace and joy that surrounds us.
