To my precious angel baby,
It is the end of April, and I would be lying if I didn't say it has been a difficult month. Though I have rejoiced in watching so many friends bring life into this world and have celebrated with them, it has been a painful reminder that you would have been among those new lives. If you had stayed with us, you'd be days old. I'd be holding you in my arms right now. You'd have a name. Your sister and brothers would know you. We'd all be head over heels for you. I'd be so happy you were finally here. Would you be fair and blonde like your sister and Kyden? Would you have dark hair and dark eyes like Cohen? Would you favor your Daddy or look more like Mommy?
It's a bittersweet feeling. If you were here now, your baby brother Syler, the one who God sent two months after you had gone, would not be in my belly. He did not replace you, could not replace you, but he is a reminder that even after a dark and difficult time, there is a light at the end, a rainbow after the storm. I'm grateful to have him and feel more blessed than I can express, but it doesn't mean I don't still grieve over losing you. To others, this may sound selfish, or that I'm being ungrateful, but I know my feelings are justified, and that it's ok to miss you, even though I never met you. I don't question God for his ways, for his plans and purpose will always be greater than our own, but it's ok to wonder how things would be different. After all, God made us human. He made us feel.
My dear angel, I know you are in Heaven, filled with more joy and peace than anyone here on earth could ever possibly perceive or comprehend. You know more about God and Jesus and Heaven than any scholar or prophet could. You know no pain...no heartache...no sickness. You have all the answers to all the questions that could ever be asked. And I rejoice and take comfort in this, for aren't all these things more than a mother could ever humanly provide? You are loved, both here and in Heaven, and that is enough.
There will be plenty of opinions from others, whether they are voiced or not, who will tell me that I should be over it by now. Most of those opinions will be from those who never had to walk a day in these shoes. I don't think a mother can ever fully get over losing a child, and others may forget you, or that you happened, because you were here for but a whisper...a blink. But you were mine, and I will carry you in my heart until I reach where you are, and I won't have to wonder anymore.
Love Forever and Always,
Mommy
