Here it is, nearly time to meet our fourth child and third son, Syler. This time last year, we were in the "not trying but not preventing" mindset of another pregnancy, and a month later, I would find out we were expecting, which sadly ended in the first miscarriage I've personally experienced.
Just ten months ago, in early September, I was in one of the darkest times of my life, trying to deal with the emotional devastation of losing a pregnancy. I couldn't know what was to come, and thinking about becoming pregnant again seemed out of reach for some reason, but just two and a half months later, we learned we were expecting our rainbow baby.
This pregnancy has flown by, and now that we are in the last few weeks, things are really hitting me. There's been a fear in the back of my mind the entire pregnancy that something is going to happen to him and that I'll lose him like I lost the last one. Irrational, maybe, but normal, I suppose. When hours go by that I don't feel him move, I worry. Then I sit and feel his reassuring rolls and kicks and am overcome with relief.
Then I think about what it will be like when he's in the world, no longer in the safety of my womb. Will he have CF? Will we have created another child who must deal with all the crappy stuff that comes with having a chronic illness? It's nothing we can't handle, and it's nothing we aren't prepared for, but I definitely don't have a "ho-hum" attitude toward it. Just because we have two with CF and have been used to a life with the work that comes along with it does not make it easier to cope with knowing every child we bring into the world could have this disease. We pray and hope and have faith that God knows what he's doing, and we leave it at that. We are in no place to question His will, and even though it may be hard to accept at times, we must pray for that acceptance and know that understanding of that will may not come at all in our earthly lives. And we will still praise Him, no matter the situation, no matter the storm.
This isn't to say I'm not scared. I'm completely scared of being told Syler has CF. I'm scared of how life will once again change. I'm scared of the judgment we will no doubt face from those around us. I'm scared of my sweet Kyden being the only child without CF, who could grow up feeling like the outsider. I'm scared of once again having a child that my husband I could potentially outlive.
As much as I am afraid to face the reality of the possibility of CF, I am anxious to meet my son...to welcome him into the world and into our family...to see my other children interact with him...and to watch another miracle grow and thrive.
Syler, I can't wait to meet you, my little rainbow boy. No matter what follows, you are loved, so very loved.
